I'm John Smith
by PhoenixWormwood137
Summary: He was John Smith. Sort of. Well, that's what the paper in his hand said. But this John Smith was just a little bit... different. Crazy brown hair. Skinny blue suit. Interfering with the time line of the world.
1. author's note

**The response to this story has blown my mind. You guys are all so warm and enthusiastic, and it pains me to say that I don't think I'll simply be making this a long-ish oneshot. I am just so, so sorry, but I've come to the conclusion that I really am _not _going to get the full thing done. This is not my area of expertise, I'm not good at comedy and I'm not all that familiar with Diseny. I apologise a thousand times. In the oneshot I'm going to be skipping through the adventures lickety-split. It'll be odd, but I don't want to entirely disappoint you all. It'll be up on Saturday!**

**Thanks for your patience, and I apologise again.**

**Phoenix**


	2. I'm John Smith

**This was going to be a chapter story. To my eternal shame, I was not able to complete it all the way through. Please enjoy this instead: vignettes from Doctor Who turned Disney.**

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><p><strong>~One~<strong>

"Note to self," the Doctor muttered, flipping a switch on the TARDIS flight panel. "Try not to land the TARDIS on top of major historical characters. I've been John Smith so many times, why is it so annoying this time?"

"What do you mean, annoying?" A dashing blonde man said from under the floor of the TARDIS control room.

"You're not a fun person to be!" the Doctor said. "I mean, no offence, but you're violent and a bit thick. Not to mention, some native girl is going to fall head over heels in love with me, and I'll have to - well, not disturb the course of history! If I do, the Diseny animation will change, and I love that film!"

He continued to complain to himself, walking around the console and flipping switches as he went. "Good thing you didn't end up with that girl for good, or I'd have to take her with me in the TARDIS, and goodness knows she wouldn't make the companion shortlist otherwise. Oh-" he sighed and ran a hand through his hair, then glanced down. "Would you _please_ get out of there and do your job for history, John?"

"No," John said stubbornly. "All of my life I have searched for a land like this one!"

"The TARDIS isn't a land," said the Doctor impatiently.

"A wild or more challenging country I couldn't design!"

"You sure couldn't," muttered the Doctor under his breath. "Thick, thickety-thickface…" he raised his voice - "And don't you dare say that you're awaiting the dangers and you can tame this land. The TARDIS isn't a land and I'm the only one who -" but John had wandered away already.

"Right," said the Doctor. "If you have to stay in here, don't mess with the controls," he yelled, then pulled on his trench coat. "Let's get this over with. Allons-y!"

**~Two~**

"It's perfect, governor!"

Governor Ratcliffe looked up from the scroll he was reading to see a skinny man with wild brown hair stride into his cabin, looking rather uncomfortable despite the wide smile he wore.

"Who in blazes are you?" he spluttered. "And what are you doing in my cabin?"

"I'm John Smith," said the man with conviction.

"No," the governor said. "You are not John Smith. I know John Smith. He looks nothing like you."

"Sure he does, what are you talking about?" The skinny man put his hands in the pockets, rocking back and forth slightly with the sway of the ship. "How can I not look like me?"

"Well, for one," the governor said, "You're skinny as a flagpole. And your clothes are absurd. And your hair is -"

"Just sort of brown, like it's always been," the man proclaiming to be John said. "I'm John Smith, the one and only John Smith…"

He held up a piece of paper, as if to prove it, and the Governor peered at it as he continued. "Had a lot to drink last night, governor? Don't even remember an old shipmate like me? You alright?"

"Fine," the governor said, shaking himself. "I do apologize. I don't know what came over me. You were saying?"

"This place is perfect," John said. "The water's deep enough - we can pull right up to shore."

"Very well," the governor said, "Give the order."

"Already done. I've got a crew assembled and they're ready to go."

"About the natives," the governor said, "I'm counting on you to make sure those filthy heathens don't disrupt our mission."

"Oh!" John's eyebrows shot up, and he stopped rocking back in forth with a mildly disapproving expression. "Well, if they're anything like the… well… the savages I've fought before, it's nothing I can't handle."

And he flashed a broad, winning smile.

**~Three~**

The Doctor walked out into a lush green forest, beautiful and untouched. He couldn't resist a few minutes of just wandering around, admiring the place that would one day be covered in cities and roads, and then he set off on his reluctant mission.

The sound of raucous singing came from somewhere to his left, and he ignored it. It faded into the distance as he crossed a waterfall, one converse in front of the other, hands still in pockets. Finally, he found absolute silence, reaching the shallow, misty river he had been reluctantly heading to, and ran into a pretty, dark-haired girl.

"Hello," he said cheerfully, and she scampered away. He followed at a leisurely pace, until she turned and he could speak. But before he had a chance, her mouth fell open and she surveyed the Doctor.

"Oh, no, here we go again," he mumbled.

The girl took a deep breath, and mystic blue leaves started swirling around her.

"Ah, no need for that," the Doctor said, brushing them away. "TARDIS translator's got it all under control. My name's John Smith, by the way, what's yours?"

"Pocahontas," she said.

"Be glad the TARDIS doesn't mess with names," John said. "That means 'naughty girl', or something to that effect, doesn't it? Bad first impressions before we've even said hello. I'm being rude again, aren't I." He groaned with his smile still on. "Sorry. Long day. Ahead. Haven't had it already but when you can see all of time and space these things sort of … I should shut up."

Pocahontas didn't seem to have processed anything the Doctor had just said, except for his fake name. "What a strange name you have," she said. "John Smith."

"Yeaaah," the Doctor said. "I sort of… borrowed it. Someone else was supposed to be here, but he decided not to come, so I'm filling in for him."

"What are you talking about?" Pocahontas said.

"Don't mind me," the Doctor said. "It doesn't matter."

Pocahontas sat down on the grass, and the Doctor sighed and sat down next to her.

"Who are you?" she said. "Where did you come from? You say such interesting things - such strange things… you're not from around here, are you?"

"No, I'm not."

"And what's up with your hair?"

**~Four~**

She stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong?" he said.

"The drums.. they mean trouble... I should go."

"Oh, deje vu, drums, trouble… but, brilliant, I'll come too!"

"I don't want to go!"

"Yeah, well, you'd better -"

**~Five~**

Pocahontas entered the tent, and saw immediately the shadow of a skinny man bound to the central pole, wrists behind him. He looked like he was dozing - his chin was on his chest, and he was breathing evenly.

She put her hand under his chin, adding a loving caress to the touch, and he jerked awake.

The black-clear squares he wore around his huge brown eyes fell off.

"Oops, there go the glasses," John said. "Not broken, are they? Just put them back in my pocket, please."

Pocahontas did so, hesitated for a moment, then rested her head on his chest romantically. John was rather stiff as she did this, and if she could have seen his expression, she wouldn't have been pleased at the look of mixed pity and awkward disapproval on his face.

"I'm sorry!" she said, putting her arms around his waist.

"For what, this! Nah, I've gotten out of worse scrapes than this!"

"Can you think of any right now?" Pocahontas said, dumbfounded.

"Sure I can! The Daleks! And when I crashed my TARDIS and almost blew a hole in the universe the size of Belgum… oh, ooh, ooh, and the angels! The weeping angels, had Sally to help me that time, though, and Martha, and -"

"It would have been better if we'd never met!" Pocahontas cried, cutting him off.

"Well, that's putting it a bit melodramatically, but … yeah," said John, his voice cheery. "Yeah, you're probably right."

**~Six~**

"It wasn't really me," John explained to a heartbroken and thoroughly shocked Pocahontas. "Sometimes, in life, shapeshifting robots get brutally murdered, and girls aren't able to convince their dads to save them. But see, it wasn't actually me, it was a machine. These things happen when certain plain-named idiots decide that they're too good for their own timelines when TARDISes land on them. Idiots who will be dumped in the forest shortly. So you see, it all worked out in the end."


End file.
